


A Reason to Believe You'll Be Okay

by poor_guys_headisspinning



Category: Newsies (1992), Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Angst, Crying, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, and just warning now it's not happy, this is a projection fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-08 00:38:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11070408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poor_guys_headisspinning/pseuds/poor_guys_headisspinning
Summary: Davey entered Jack's life, and Crutchie was slowly pushed out. He can't cry usually, but he snaps and has a breakdown while texting Race.(AKA I had a shitty night and projected onto Crutchie)





	A Reason to Believe You'll Be Okay

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Imnotweirdjustwriting](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imnotweirdjustwriting/gifts).



> Title from You Will Be Found (Dear Evan Hansen) because I've been listening to Disappear, You Will Be Found, and Words Fail on repeat for the last 3 hours  
> This is literally just a projection fic I cried for an hour straight tonight and then wrote this to cope. Most of the texts are copied and pasted from the actual conversation I had with my friend (she's a blessing everyone go check her out I dedicated the fic to her) so any typos are intentional  
> Bold is the texts and the name is the line above, I hope that makes sense

Race  
 **God  
** **Can jack shut up about davey for literally two seconds I swear it's all he ever texts about**

Crutchie  
 **Fuck  
** **He doesn't even text me anymore why doesn't he text me what did I do why does he hate me**

He presses send, and immediately feels the self loathing start creeping up.

Crutchie  
 **Now is not the time for self loathing can my body stop**

Race  
 **Mood**

Crutchie  
 **Fuck I feel it hitting me  
** **Shit this is awful**

Race  
 **Stop  
** **Stop it**

Crutchie  
 **Shit I think I might cry  
** **Fuck I never cry what's wrong with me**

Race  
 **Are you ok??**

Tears well up in Crutchie's eyes as he thinks about how few people care about him. The first one spills, and Crutchie lets out a single sob. He's used to hating himself, but he almost never cries. Tonight is going to be awful.

Crutchie  
 **Yup I'm crying fuck**

Race  
 **Crutchie  
** **Are you ok please talk to me**

Crutchie  
 **Idk  
** **You know I never cry  
** **But I'm literally sobbing into a pillow fuck I hate myself**

Race  
 **Shit  
** **How can I help  
** **Please talk to me Crutchie**

Crutchie tries to make out the phone screen through his tears. With shaking fingers, he types a response.

Crutchie  
 **He doesn't text me anymore he ignores me at school davey's completely replaced me I hate this i hate myself why did he stop why am I not good enough**

Crutchie can barely see anything. His parents are in the other room so he has to be quiet. Silent sobs are shaking his entire body. He curls up into a ball and puts his head on his knees as he sees the typing notification pop up.

Race  
 **You're perfect you're wonderful you're amazing you're kind and beautiful and important and good stop crying you fuck**

Crutchie can't bring himself to laugh at Race's weak attempt at lightening the situation. He's deep in a pit of self loathing, and he just wants someone to notice him.

Crutchie  
 **I don't know what's wrong**

Race  
 **That's fine  
** **You're fine**

Crutchie  
 **Lmao I haven't been crying enough my eyes burn**

Crutchie can feel the salty tears, so rarely there, stinging his eyes. He puts his headphones in and starts playing music from his sad playlist so he can listen to something other than his ragged breaths. Of course, Disappear came on first.

Crutchie  
 **I'm listening to disappear and sobbing**

Race  
 **Is that good?**

Crutchie  
 **I don't know  
** **Shit the lyrics why am I relating to this so much**

Crutchie closes his eyes and focuses on the song for a moment. He hears the words "all you want is for somebody to find you" and has to shove a fist in his mouth to stifle the loud sob that threatens to be heard. The song finishes and Crutchie turns shuffle off, wanting to hurt himself further by listening to the next song on the album.

Crutchie  
 **Fuck you will be found im sobbing iits literally how I feel fuck  
** **God I can't go to school tomorrow I can't face him**

Race  
 **You're gonna be fine Crutchie it's okay**

Crutchie hesitates. He's typed the phrase countless times, but this time he means it more than usual. He internally says _fuck it_ and starts typing.

Crutchie  
 **I wish I could die**

Race  
 **Shit ma is yelling but I'm a bit busy?**

Crutchie starts crying harder. Race is getting yelled at because of him.

Crutchie  
 **I don't have anyone but you I hate myself fck**

Race  
 **Let me help you**

Crutchie  
 **You have your own issues  
** **I'm sorry**

Race  
 **No it's okay  
** **It doesn't matter I'm fine**

Crutchie  
 **All my repressed emotions from having no friends but you just hit me**

Crutchie hears a small voice in the back of his mind whisper a suggestion to him. He rubs his arm, feeling the scars there, and looks at his legs, seeing the fading cuts there. He considers adding to them for a second, but then grabs his phone and texts Race.

Crutchie  
 **Make me promise not to hurt myself I don't trust myself**

Race's reply is almost instantaneous.

Race  
 **Please don't hurt yourself  
** **You don't need to  
** **And I'm not your only friend I'm just the only one who wants to watch musicals endlessly with you so it tricks you into thinking I'm a much better friend trust me it's science**

Crutchie  
 **You're the only one who texts me**

Race  
 **So?**

Crutchie  
 **Jack straight up ignores me 24/7  
** **Spot only texts about you**

Race  
 **Hey spot doesn't even text me**

Crutchie  
 **Katherine's told me multiple times that I act like I'm better than her and only ever put her down to feel good about myself so I can't text her about this  
** **I've never been close enough to anyone else to overshare  
** **My body is cooperating it stops sobbing when I type and starts when I stop**

Race  
 **You can talk to me  
** **I want to help you**

Crutchie throws his phone down and shoves his face down into the pillow resting on his knees. He can feel it getting damp with his tears; they won't stop. He needs to stop bothering Race. He considers his options.

Crutchie  
 **I might just fucking deal with it and text spot**

Race  
 **He's awake  
** **Don't do anything rash**

Crutchie  
 **I'm try**

He hits send too soon, but doesn't think he can correct it with his shaking fingers. He puts his glasses on to see the keyboard and types out a message to spot

Crutchie  
 **Are you up**

He'd stopped sobbing briefly in between songs, but hitting send on the text to spot made him start again, full force. He saw the heavy breaths start to fog up his glasses and laughed bitterly to himself. He went back to his conversation with Race.

Crutchie  
 **I put my glasses on so I could type to him. It they're fogging up from the sobs**

Race doesn't reply for a minute. Spot hasn't replied yet either.

Crutchie  
 **He isn't responding fuck**

Race  
 **He's awake**

Crutchie drops his head down onto his pillow. _Fuck_ . If spot's awake that means he's choosing not to respond. _Great._ More proof Crutchie doesn't need that only Race remotely cares about him.

Race  
 **He might have fallen asleep you know he does that**

Crutchie shakes his head at the weak explanation.

A loud banging on his door makes Crutchie jump. His mom shouts, "Andrew! Get out here and make your lunch for tomorrow!"

Crutchie takes a deep breath and tries to make his voice level. He shouts back, "Okay," clearly not intending to leave his room any time soon.

Crutchie  
 **Fuck mom is yelling can she not while I'm in the middle of an emotional breakdown  
** **The real question is can i stop crying long enough to go out and make a sandwich  
** **Doubtful**

Race  
 **I believe in you my guy**

Crutchie gets up. Words Fail just ended so he pauses his music and goes to the bathroom to splash cold water on his face to make it look like he hasn't been crying for half an hour straight. He grabs his crutch and his lunch bag and hurries to the kitchen with his head down. He ignores both of his parents and shoves a piece of leftover pizza and some fruit snacks into his lunch bag. He places it in the fridge and makes a beeline back to his room. He can't wait to start crying again. He closes the door, turns off the light, and hits play. He waits for tears to come. They don't come.

Crutchie  
 **I can't cry anymore but the self loathing is still here and ready to kill me**

Race  
 **Do you still want to cry?**

Crutchie  
 **This is the third time I've listened to disappear and I just want to sob again  
** **I've been crying at "all you want is for somebody to find you" and "no one should flicker out or have any doubt that it matters that they are here" because that's all I feel is that I don't fucking matter to anyone  
** **I want to cry again**

Race  
 **That's okay**

Crutchie  
 **I'm so lonely**

Race  
 **I'm here**

Crutchie  
 **You're it  
** **You're all I have**

Race  
 **Listen**

Crutchie sees the typing notification appear and waits for the text to send. The notification is still up. Race is typing for so long that it disappears. You Will Be Found starts playing again and Crutchie wills himself to cry at it. No luck.

Race  
 **It doesn't matter who you have right now because it's not always going to be like this. You're amazing. You're smart and clever and creative and wonderful. High school is shit. Friends are shit. Life is shit. But that's just for now. You're going to move on, it's not going to be tomorrow, it probably won't be next week, hell it probably won't be next year, but you're going to see that people care about you. You have friends that love you and support you are care about you even if you don't think they do. So right now you're saying it's only me but that's just for now because there are so many people ahead of you to care**

Crutchie makes it to the fourth sentence and then he's sobbing so hard he can't see the screen anymore. Race typed that all out with Crutchie in mind. He said so many meaningful things with the intention of making Crutchie feel better. Crutchie can't deal with these emotions.

Crutchie  
 **Fuck I'm sobbing again  
** **I don't deserve you**

Race  
 **Yeah you do  
** **Listen  
** **I love you so much My throat literally hurts**

Crutchie cries harder. Race is too kind to him.

Crutchie  
 **I love you too thank you I'm sorry**

Race  
 **You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for  
** **Never apologize**

Crutchie  
 **But you've had such a shit day and here I am making you comfort me just because I had a wave of self loathing**

Race replies almost immediately, and his response makes Crutchie want to drive to Race's house and hug him and never let go.

Race  
 **You did not  
** **You asked me not to comfort you and I chose to**

Crutchie stops crying. He still desperately doesn't want to go to school tomorrow, but at least the tears have stopped. He sits for a few minutes, trying to ignore the slowly growing headache from crying so much. Race texts again.

Race  
 **Are you going to bed soon? Answer truthfully**

Crutchie  
 **No**

He's not tired. He's probably not going to do anything, but he knows sleep is a long way off. He expects Race to argue, or at least protest a little, but Race responds with a simple " **okay** " and drops it.

Crutchie sighs. Dear Evan Hansen is still playing way too loudly in his ears, and he closes his eyes to lose himself and focus on the musical.

Half an hour later, Crutchie is completely done crying. Spot still hasn't responded, but Crutchie knows he's probably actually asleep. Race has stopped texting back, but he's leaving on vacation early tomorrow morning so Crutchie knows he's probably either last minute packing or sleeping. He's still shaking slightly, but he thinks he's okay.

He'll be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Listen I just want validation please as you can see I've had a fucking shit night and I want to feel better  
> If I made any errors or if anything is offensive please let me know its 1:05 I wrote this in a note on my phone and then transferred it to my computer and to here so I haven't read it at all  
> Also, I started writing the backstory to this scene a month ago maybe? It's not done and I haven't worked on it recently but let me know if you'd be interested in reading more of this storyline?


End file.
